December 8th, 2007


When you're that far up in the fours and nines, you're probably not coming down . . .

. . . not far enough, anyway, and not soon enough to do you any good.

There's this recurring dream I have about driving down a pitch black road in the dead of night and the lights in the car won't stay on.  The engine runs, but it is a constant battle to try and get some light to see by.  I work the light switch on and off.  I reach under the dash and wiggle wires.  I bang the dash board.  I turn the car off and start it again because it seems the lights work for a short time just after it's started.  All of this is usually to no avail or to precious little avail.  I sometimes find myself creeping along with the door open because I can just see the line on the road if I look really hard straight down at it.  The idea is to keep moving just until I can get out of this godforsaken darkness to where there's a street lamp or something. 

The obvious interpretation is anxiety over not being able to get a clear view of where you're going or what to do.  The weird thing is I've been having this dream, car and all, since I was eight or ten years old, long, long before I could drive.  Nothing disastrous ever happens.  I just struggle with the car that won't stay lit for what seems forever.  The dream doesn't even wake me up, but I remember having had it when I do wake up.

That one still happens with some regularity.

There was another one about seeing an airliner crash.  I never actually saw it crash.  I could just tell by the altitude and the attitude of the plane that it wasn't going to make it.  It always crashed over the tree line or skyline or whatever, probably miles from where I was.  It left me with a sick feeling even though I never actually saw any dead burnt bodies or anything.  This one was a favorite for a few years in the late eighties and early nineties and then just went away.

One of the strangest is being in an open cockpit like thing that is at the top off a tower-like structure on top of a semi truck tractor.  I have to drive this truck around, move it, park it, then take it somewhere else while controlling it form this open cab arrangement a good twenty feet off the ground.  The thing is extremely top heavy and unstable and if you stop or turn to fast, it lurches and sways a few feet at the top.  So you have to be very careful to take off very slowly and to make sure you start to slow down in plenty of time to come to a stop without tipping it over.  There are many of these moving about in a loading dock area or something behind a big warehouse-like structure.  That just makes it harder.  If yours was the only one, it would be a lot easier.  Here again, nothing bad ever happens; it's just the stress of having to be so careful and precise.  And you never can keep the top from swaying at least a bit, which is unnerving.

This one has to have something to do with being in control but just barely, walking a fine line and such.  What I get a kick out of is how elaborate the setup is.  Your not just moving these big truck things around a crowed yard, you have to do it from these weird auxiliary controls way up in the air.  Of course, in the dream I never notice the ridiculous nature of the circumstances, I just know what has to be done and that I must be very careful doing it.

Then there's the one about not having enough credits to graduate high school and not being able to figure out how to catch up.  And the one where I'm naked, or nearly so, in public.  In that one, no one but me ever notices or cares, but I'm always afraid that they will notice any minute.  These two, I hear, are very common.

So is there a point?  Nope.  That's just the way it was December 8, 2007 here in Weenie World.