June 14th, 2008


Caballero Sigh

How's that for the name of a big rock band?  It's dorky on at least three levels that I am aware of.  My previous favorite, "Hoodanga Chrich and the Superhuman Booyankees," is just dorky 'cause it's dorky.  It's got no transcendence in either (or any) direction.

Or Chortle Snatch Boznia, for instance.  It's got to be catchy, inscrutable, and have a just a whiff of controversy or alternation or something else vaguely naughty.  Most are inscrutable because there is nothing there to scrute.  That's easy enough.  The naughtiness, though, really should be vague, or an inside joke or a regional idiom that most people won't get or something.  You can put the latest Steely Dan, ZZ Top or Marshall Tucker Band album in the front window of your store at the Mall.  Not so much with the Butthole Surfers.  Double your entendres (at least) and no one will be able to prove that you were anything but naive (or severely sleep-deprived) when you conceived the name of your band.

Always make the name indefinite singular, too.  It's always good for a laugh too hear some rube introduce you, "Now, ladies and gentlemen, straight from East Jesus, New Mexico, it's The Chortle Snatch Boznias!"  Yep, all five of them.  And that's Boznii, you cretin!

I wonder if you could sell people names for their bands.  You could become a famous band name designer.  In six-point type on the back of the CD liner, just under the part where they thank D'Addario for the strings and Ernie Ball for the thumb picks, it could read: "Band name by PhrembahThat, ladies and gentlemen has got to be the ticket.  Ooooh, though.  How to promote yourself as the chicest of the chic band name designers?  Remember, you don't have to be good.  Anything resembling art or utility will be summarily ignored.  You (and your product) must stink--but oh so chicly.  The stench is to attract attention.  The chicness is to make everyone forget why they looked.

But I hunger and digress.  What an idea, though.  It is so completely without substance that it's making my brain water.  It may be just what I've quested after all these years.  Vacuous, vapid, vacant.  It is, like, soooo not there.