Hurligan's Nine Laws of the Universe (better write these down before I forget)
1) The Law of Mundanity: Whenever there appears to be a grand question or dilemma concerning the outcome of something that is for the moment unknown, the final outcome will be the most ordinary, boring, mundane outcome possible. The only thing surprising about it will be how truly, miserably, meaningless it turns out to be. For example, if your wife is a half hour late, she will not have been kidnapped, she will not have been raped, she will not have been rushed to the hospital with a ruptured appendix, she will not have held her hand on the carotid artery of an auto accident victim till the EMTs arrived. She will have left her cell phone on the coffee table at home then run into her eighth grade Algebra teacher at the Gas N' Go and spaced you out completely as she caught up on fifteen years of trivia. . . (insert Universal Laws 2 thru 8 here) . 9) The Law of Permanent Annoyance: If, upon entering a business establishment---any business establishment, a child is screaming bloody murder or a drunk at the bar is talking really, really loudly, that baby or that drunk will still be there when you leave. You could order a seven course meal with entertainment between courses and as you signed the check and got up to leave, that child would be screaming in roughly the same register at roughly the same volume as when you sat down. Or the drunk would still be yelling at the other other drunk sitting three feet away from him that, "all you gotta do is get your ass to Cincinnati. You get your ass to Cincinnati and I'll get you a job, I guaran-fuckin'-tee it!"