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Oh what a fucking misogynist am I . . . - Hurtling Butt-First Through Time [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Phrembah (a potato-like mystery)

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Oh what a fucking misogynist am I . . . [Sep. 30th, 2015|06:53 pm]
Phrembah (a potato-like mystery)
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Actually, ladies, you won't like this, but you should listen upat me one time here anyhow.  If'n ya wanna be taken seriously, ya'all'll wanna not sound like a bunch of middle schoolers.  Upspeak is congenitally popular right now? Practically everyone does it?  But, it makes you sound like a thirteen year-old cross between a hick and a valley girl?  And "valley droop," practically the opposite of upspeak, where you exaggerate the natural roll-off in pitch at the end of a declarative sentence, sort of like the Church Lady, is straight out of the Inland Empire.

High-pitched honking nasal tonalities reminiscent of an angry Shih Tzu also diminish your credibility.  I'm just sayin' . . .

Finish your fucking sentences!  Herky jerky, stop and go delivery is annoying as hell.

Don't speak until you know what you're going to say.  If you back up and sidetrack every few words, you sound a bit dingy and people's minds start to wander---or they just cut you off 'cause they're board and anxious to move ahead.

All things are like themselves and we all know this and we needn't be told---ever.  We only need to hear that something is like something else, and only then if it's something we might not already know.  If you say that, "The Fiat 500 is to the 21st century like the VW Beetle was to the 20th century," that's a potentially interesting piece of information or opinion that maybe everyone was not already aware of.  If you say, "He was like telling me how annoying my speech is," I might say, "But what was he really doing?"  And you'd probably say, "He was telling me how annoying my speech is."  So, he wasn't doing something like telling you how annoying your speech is, he was actually telling you how annoying your speech is.  To which you would probably say. "Yeah."  So, as I said before, telling you how annoying your speech is is exactly like telling you how annoying your speech is because it is, in fact, telling you how annoying your speech is.  We all know that and don't need to be reminded---especially not once or twice in every sentence.  It's another holdover from middle school and, in the listener's mind, places you right there---in middle school.

Watch this space for further suggestions . . .